Moments in Mom-vana

"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." ~ Mark Twain

My attempts at delving into meditation are, sadly, not progressing as quickly as I had hoped...first and foremost because I have barely had any time to stop moving over the last two weeks.

On the 11th, I left  my job. This was a good thing - the situation there, in the midst of a merger, was deteriorating rapidly, and was harshly affecting morale. I was lucky to find another opportunity before I got laid off. But that left me in a transition period of trying to clean things up and finish things out - an obsessive perfectionist, I couldn't bear the idea of leaving anything undone, thereby hoisting it off on whomever was left behind. I also have a severe sense of loyalty, such that even though I disliked the position I was in and my direct supervisor, and even though I knew the position was ending shortly, and even though I knew I was heading to a dream job, I had a hard time making myself walk away.

A few short hours later, my friend and I were in the car and headed to Florida for his sister's wedding where he was serving as a groomsman and I was photographer. A 16-hour drive down, rehearsal dinner, a whirlwind wedding day/night, a day of family activities, and then an 18-hour drive home... we arrived home at 2:30 a.m. on Wednesday, and I started my new job a short 5 hours later. Working and sleeping absorbed the rest of the hours between then and now.

So, obviously, I haven't had much time to just sit and be still. I did take along my guided meditation podcasts and tried a couple of times to relax and listen with headphones in the car. But between getting caught in crazy traffic and it being the first quasi-vacation I've had in about 12 years, I was just too distracted.

I finally got some quiet time this morning. I didn't do the guided meditation this time, though. I put on some soft instrumental music, poured a hot cup of coffee, and just sat - eyes closed - basking in the warm morning sun pouring in through the patio door. It was short-lived... kids and dogs always need attention. But the sun was warm on my face, and just those few moments of quiet, still sleepy and thus not really letting my brain focus on anything yet, felt good. I have read that there is no right or wrong way to meditate; if that's true, I believe I may keep up my "Sunday morning coffee and sunshine" practice. It's a good way to start a weekend day.

Mom.

Single mom.

College student.

Special needs mom.

Any of those titles would lend itself to describing an inordinately busy person with lots of associated stress. But, I come from a long line of stubborn, and my momma always told me to never "half-ass" anything you set out to do. So, it would stand to reason that I would choose to tackle on the monumental task of going back to school after getting divorced and trying to raise a child with PDD-NOS on my own.

But don't go getting any ideas about me being a superwoman. I beat myself up all the time for not being remarkably exceptional at all of my roles. I'm my own worst critic. But when my ex-husband left, it gave me a burning desire to outsmart all of the stereotypes and logic about what ill fates await the son of a single mom. Determined to not just create a better life for us, but also to show my son through my own actions how important an education is, and how to tackle obstacles to achieve dreams in life, here I am.

As you can imagine, my life is crazy. Even good days are hectic. Any down time usually finds me doing something mind-numbing in order to allow my brain a rest. I often lament about needing to reduce my stress, about needing to find a way to organize my thoughts and pull myself back together, as lack of sleep and a never-ending To-Do List are the hallmarks of my life right now.

I've recently been seeing lots of articles like this one that show, time and time again, that one common trait of highly successful people is meditation. I've been on a spiritual journey of my own for some time now, so I had been toying with the idea of trying it out, so this class assignment came along at a perfect time.

Or did it? My busy mind hasn't been able to seem to focus in prayer for several months now. Trying to muddle through an acquisition at work (on which side we were not on the winning team) and dealing with a very difficult boss and discovering some health problems has put my brain in overdrive; even quieting it to sleep at night sometimes requires intervention in the way of melatonin, muscle relaxers, wine...or simply laying in the dark playing solitaire on my phone until I fall asleep, phone-in-hand. So how am I supposed to meditate?

But I figured I'd give it a try. If it's good enough for Oprah and Arianna, then it couldn't hurt me, right?

I decided to start out simply, with a little assistance. I know my mind wanders lately in prayer, so I thought guided meditation might be more helpful to get started. I downloaded some guided meditation podcasts from The Meditation Podcast. For my first time, I retreated to a quiet bedroom (my son happened to be camping with the Cub Scouts this weekend), locked the dogs and cats out, and settled in on the bed. I started in a seated yoga-like position, but eventually just ended up more comfortably leaning back on the pillows. Beginning at the beginning, I turned on "Episode 1: A Basic Meditation", and settled in.

I have to say, I rather impressed myself this time. My mind did start to wander a couple times, but I was more able to just let the thoughts drift by rather than getting focused on them. Toward the end, I started to feel a bit restless: "Geez, how long IS this thing? I thought it was only 20 minutes...surely it's been more like 45!" But I stuck with it, trying to simply focus on my breathing. I kept mentally reminding myself that there was nothing going on that couldn't wait 20 minutes. When the time was up, I did feel pretty relaxed (or, at least, for me). The immediate thing I noticed was that, when I went back to reading my textbook later, I felt more able to concentrate, and that I was retaining the information better.

I think I will enjoy trying out this practice. I'm going to attempt to get in 1-2 sessions per week; I know that if I try to commit to more, I won't be able to follow through, at which point I will get frustrated with myself and probably quit altogether. But I figure if I can get in just a few minutes to myself at least once a week, I'll be the better for it. And that's probably good for everybody in my life as well. Like Grandma always used to say, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"